I lost my Uncle Andy this past week. For the past 3+ months, we had been planning a Wedding Shower in celebration of the upcoming marriage of my cousin Chelsea to her fiance Tyler. It was a long awaited road trip and family gathering. At this point, the only time we really see extended family is for sadness or celebrations - and this was to be a celebration. I had about 75% of what we needed for our trip and to co-hostess the wedding shower ready and packed when my mom called. She wanted to talk to David. I was, at the time, headed back up to Asher's room to try to get him to go to sleep - he was excited to see the farm and was restless. I heard the distress in David's voice and thought that maybe mom's van had broken down on the way to Indiana (she left the day before us) or maybe Dad's truck had broken down and they were needing assistance. When I returned to the kitchen table, David informed me that my Uncle Andy (my youngest Uncle) had taken his own life.
It didn't make any sense.
I had overheard rumblings for years about possible financial struggles, job losses, job gains - but in this economy, that's normal, right?
To fill in the details, Andy wasn't just my uncle. He was one of 6 siblings. He was my Grandmother's youngest son. He was the father of 3 boys, ages 15, 18 (a couple of weeks from HS graduation) and 22. He was involved not only in the lives of his sons, but in the sports world, coaching his kids, umpiring, and mentoring his kids and their friends.
He was approachable - and not just on a 'let's talk about the drive/weather' level. You could actually talk to him on a personal level and get great advice, stories, and of course the never seldom teasing.
'Cooties' - I remember growing up always having 'cooties' - of course pointed out to me by Andy. This past summer, we had a Family Reunion trip to Florida. When everyone was trying to relax, drink beer, and have their own agenda, Andy was pulling Asher aside to teach him to throw the ball - like one of his sons, taking a real active role in spending time with Asher. I just wish that he would have been along longer to see Asher develop into an individual or athlete that Andy could then say "you know, I taught my Great Nephew to pitch, and look at him now".
He always seemed to be positive, and have it all pulled together. Although, striving to meet expectations that he believed others set for him. To be quite honest, he was just fun to be around.
His funeral was yesterday, Monday, April 30, 2012. The church was at maximum capacity. I have NEVER seen a funeral with so many people. The huge shock to me was the outpouring of friends/classmates of the boys. It was mind blowing to see so many young faces attending a funeral - in my opinion, high school aged kids should never have to experience a funeral like this. But they were there, standing as strong as humanly possible for my cousins. I'm sure Andy touched each one of their lives, with coaching, advice, a story, or simply just by paying attention to them.
It's hard to move forward and know what to say, to my Grandmother who did everything in her power to help him, to my Mom, Aunts and Uncles who just started to accept that it was tough to get in touch with Andy, to my Cousins - who I felt I knew enough considering they are younger and live 6+ hours away. I now have an intense urge to get to know all of my relatives and friends better - not just the small talk, or the big events, but their thoughts, feelings, stresses, fears, etc. If 10 of the people at Andy's funeral had known what was going on with him on a deeper level, I feel this could have been prevented. If only 1 person knew what he was thinking, this could have been prevented.
The weeks leading up to the trip, everyone was concerned about sleeping accommodations, which rooms, which house, etc. etc. etc. Andy's death makes all of that nonsense seem so trivial.
I think my mom was pretty spot on when she said
"Thinking about ending it? Think no one cares? Call me, I'll be more than happy to share with you how those left behind feel, how what you're thinking about will affect your Children, your Mother, your Brothers and Sisters, your Nieces and Nephews who worshipped you. Your Uncles, Aunts, Cousins and Friends. Will be more than happy to show you the faces of those that loved you and will never understand how you can say you loved us and then did this. NOTHING is that bad! There is nothing that can't be fixed - except this. THIS can't be fixed."
It was also very heart wrenching to see my Aunt Lisa, who's daughter was to be celebrated at the Wedding Shower, holding her Grandson Luke the night before the shower festivities, look down at Luke cuddling with her and say "Andy will never get to experience this" - by this, the love of a Grandchild. That is just one of the many things that was taken.
The heartache and pain, unanswered questions, and the middle of the night "what if" internal struggles will not rest in peace, not anytime soon.
Here's one of my favorite pictures of Andy, my Grandmother, and the rest of the siblings (from left: Andy, Grandma, Laura, Mike, Lisa, Kevin, My Mother)...
Andy, you're already missed more than you will ever know. I pray that you are resting peacefully and that as Kyle said "He's probably up there arguing about who's wings are bigger with my Grampa". We love you and miss you Andy!
